Hi ...... ....... ......
Below are some of my thoughts, some of which we have previously discussed. Feel free to discuss them with me when you feel the time is ripe. .... .... ...., whatever you are going through, I will believe in your inner strengths, and trust that they will help you get to where the world needs you to be! You are too precious to us, to even dream of giving up on you!
It pains me to see in how much distress you find yourself. I really have no way of understanding how bad you feel. I'm sure it must be terrible for you, and I wish I could tell you I understand.
I would sum up the situation as follows:
You have an underlying belief about yourself [and I'm not criticizing the presence of such a belief, if I was in your situation I may also have a similar belief about myself] which is one of "worthlessness", "guilt" "shame" "distrust" [in yourself as well as others].
These beliefs have been lingering about for a long time.
As with any belief we would have about ourselves, we naturally find many references which prove our belief.
In the last year or so you have found dozens of different proofs referencing your belief about your worthlessness.
Only after you regain your self-value and self-esteem [which has nothing to with what you do rather with what you are as is apparent in the maharal which discusses the essence of Chanuka] then you will find it easier to regain control of these nisyonos.
At the moment it seems that the best way to boost your self esteem is to start accomplishing.
Accomplishment is an essential need that must be fulfilled.
You have gotten into habit of passiveness (obviously excused by what you are going through. I do accept that you are going through a hard time but it's a shame where we have let that take us) and passiveness is the opposite of accomplishment.
We must now try to adapt new habits which reinforce zerizus and kick out the atzvus and atzlus.
Of course we could [and should] work on showing ourselves that these references are merely our perspective, but not the absolute truth. However our main focus of work MUST be to change our beliefs [this is something I'd be happy to do with you, when you are ready].
As long as you insist on holding onto your beliefs you will be doing everything in your hands to substantiate your belief, including even doing 'worthless things' which will actually 'cause' you to feel even more worthless, just to back up your beliefs [no less than the baley mussar tell us that if we look for references for our real emunah in hashem we will find them everywhere].
Try to accept the fact that with time you can change those beliefs, and let go of old beliefs and patterns.
I know it's not easy to hear mussar and I don't like giving it but hear it for your sake. Chazal tell us keneh lecho chaver so that he can give you musar.
Don't focus now on the nisyonos rather let's put full focus into the realm of accomplishment and you will feel a different person.
Regarding your particular nisyonos, I have somewhat comforting news for you that you are in company and that many boys your age go through this. Each boy reacts differently to these nosyonos and nefilos. [your previous experiences are certainly reawakened somewhat by your actions, but they don't seem to be the cause of them. I have somewhat comforting news for you that you are in company and that many boys your age go through this. Each boy reacts differently to these nosyonos and nefilos].
About the particular reference that Hashem doesn't love you, you reference that by a logical understanding that Hahems hates sinners, and added proof from the extinguishing candles etc etc. One of the things you mentioned is that once youv'e done aveiros you feel like a complete rotter, and why should hashem be interested in you, as he doesn't like people who do avairos.
The thing is, that hashem is massive. He is so big, that even his world is not able to be grasped by us (have you ever looked thru a telescope at the stars and then down at the flowers and insects?) it is mindboggling how vast the universe is.
We humans tend to think of Him in our terms. So what we would think of ourselves, we think that of course he also takes that line.
Hashem has patience which lasts for hundreds of years, whereas ours lasts perhaps a few minutes before we explode. And the same goes for his love for us, and for all the other middos.
The point is, that we can't copy and paste from ourselves to him. As massive as this universe is, his middos are at least as much. When we do aveiros, we write ourselves off because that's the way we feel, but he has a lot more patience and love than that for us, and it takes a lot more than you'll ever be able to do for him to let go of you.
We have previously discussed that Hashem doesn't give up on even the biggest of sinners, and waits and yearns for their return.
I am proud of you that you feel sad and that you are not at peace with your nisyonos and nefilos [and your situation in general], it shows that you are not rebelling [and you are obviously infused with no small amount of yiras shomaim], rather that you are going through a hard time.
Try to call some time
With lots of love